NSBM bands just wanna rock with their (fascist) cocks out

Exhibit One: Satanic Warmaster – covering Motley Crue’s “Take Me To The Top”

Exhibit Two: Nokturnal Mortum – covering W.A.S.P.’s “Wild Child”

So, will this mean that Graveland will cover Keel’s “The Right To Rock”? Or will Absurd cover Dokken’s “Paris Is Burning” complete with flamin’ guitar solo? If so, this would be a minor improvement on a bunch of lame-ass controversial bands whose music never seems to rise above “novelty value”. Yeah, yeah, I know Nokturnal Mortum loves to get down with the fiddles with their quasi-black metal shit but it’s still not selling me. Their bullshit beliefs aside, these bands rarely know how to put the METAL in Black Metal. Or the ROCK in their Rock Against Vulgar Marxism (or whatever the fuck their other styles are is). I mean as good sounding as the sketchy bastards like Der Strumer or Sigrblot are there's also the "can't play an audible chord or know how to make a decent song to save their life of War88 along with the or the pure comedy of the Nokturnal Mortem related power metal cheese makers, Finist

Even Satanic Warmaster confused about what night looks like:

Sure they live in Finland and in the summer there’s nearly 24 hours of sun but where’s the thematic consistency? They also play with openly neo-Nazi bands like Absurd then deny they’re NSBM. Also, last year, someone I know from the Finnish Metal scene told me at this same Absurd/Satanic Warmaster show there was a ton of people sieg-heiling. Way to go, geniuses.

When Metal Hammer failed to live up to its name.

UK Metal Hammer's albums of the year in 1997. In the weird "Oh, Heavy Metal? That's not cool anymore, I listen to ____" era. They might've been the same idiots bursting out the bootleg Iron Maiden shirts but can't name any of their songs or albums.

1. Feeder - Polythene
2. Entombed - To Ride, Shoot Straight And Speak The Truth
3. 3 Colours Red - Pure
4. Foo Fighters - The Colour And The Shape
5. Deftones - Around The Fur
6. Radiohead - OK Computer
7. Paradise Lost - One Second
8. Prodigy - The Fat Of The Land
9. The Verve - Urban Hymns
10. Faith No More - Album Of The Year
11. Sick Of It All - Built To Last
12. Misery Loves Co. - Not Like Them
13. Strapping Young Lad - City
14. Metallica - Re-Load
15. Kerbdog - On The Turn
16. Green Day - Nimrod
17. Reef - Glow
18. Me First And The Gimme Gimmes - Have A Ball
19. Oasis - Be Here Now
20. Life Of Agony - Soul Searching Sun

How many actual metal albums are there? Maybe 2 or 3? (if we taken in that not-so-good era Paradise Lost album). Even that Entombed albums a bit suspect. Granted this wasn't only Metal Hammer going in this direction but also Kerrang with the horrible normal font and the coverage of shit bands like Clawfinger, Stuck Mojo and Limp Bizquick.

Fuck You, Non-Cloud Havin' Sky...

...the new Immortal's out and it REALLY needs to get cold! It just doesn't feel TRUE without it.

Some choice lines from "Arctic Swarm":

"Through the storm of storm the Aurora lights
In her swirling skies a wrathlike ice
Born to ride the cold, winds of the North
Cometh to freeze the grounds "

Of Walls and Whitecross

Take a gander here, this is some goofy, very Reagan-Bush-era stuff. Filmed not long after the Scorpions er, Eastern European citizenry (and NOT WrongOld Raygun) took down the Iron Curtain, Christian Nerf-Metallers, Whitecross did their own take. I'm not too sure what this "new" wall is but the lyrics allude to "Jesus said the Kingdom's just a prayer away". Okkeeey, but your carpenter buddy also said:

"But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."
(Luke 19:2).

So explain THAT one fluffy-hair prostelyzin' dude.

Hit 'Em All

Gorman Thomas, Brewers, 1980

and his Danish not-quite brother, 1983

"...and we hate Slayah wot more can we fookin' say?!"

Mike Reid's BBC1 Radio Show discussed the #15 on the station, which wasn't the usual MTV fare. On a dare they play
Fellow DJ, Tommy Vance bet them £100 to play Venom's "Warhead", a song which took even my metalic ear awhile to get used to.



Extreme Venom fans from Brummie land, Mark & Steve continually call the BBC answering machine but also run out of pence on the phone box. Still, they hand on to claim: "No fooker's gonna stop us-nobody...and you piss on all those wanka bands (like) Mercful Fate and even kick in...Accept and W.A.S.P." Eventually adding these choice quotes:

"I'm a Venom geek but I feel I must keep on about it."

"They're fookin' American liggers" Liggers is Brit slang for 'hanger on'. More on that via Urban Dictionary:

BBC in the Northeast area did an interview and dissed in order Metallica, Boy George and themselves.

While this was very silly, I'm sure there were a certain group of Norwegian teenagers that latched on to the "Pure Fuckin' Mayhem" concept.

Then there was this gem from a 1984 Dutch Radio where all 3 members of Venom were pissed to tha gills:

Part 1


Part 2


Mantas' fave band was Y&T. I wonder what he thought of that tumor called "Summertime Girls"?

In the future - everything will be "indie rock"

Pitchfork Media, yeah I read 'em sometimes- it's the "monkey with typewriters" thing every so often the get it right. Here's an example:

It's not just music, either. I don't know quite when it happened, but at some point a certain vague strain of "indie" dropped its last vestiges of seeming weird and became a commonplace-- sort of like in Britain, where "indie" has long been synonymous with the normal guitar bands people find fashionable. When those I'm-a-Mac, I'm-a-PC commercials came out, I even saw some ad critic describe Justin Long's Mac guy as an "indie type." Why? He's just a young middle-class-looking white guy with a haircut. (I'd be more aghast, except it's actually not hard to imagine him telling you about the New Pornographers.) And soon enough any film, book, or cultural product that came anywhere near a certain sensibility-- anything anyone would describe as "quirky" or cleverish or tender-- fell in the indie bucket, too: Garden State with its hilarious Shins scene, Wes Anderson movies, Dave Eggers (??), Juno, Zooey Deschanel's general existence, private colleges, button shirts, the Internet, IKEA, Miracle Whip, literacy, you tell me. The sensibility used to seem rarer, and then, I suppose, half the people attracted to it grew up and got creative jobs and now it floats everywhere. So huge swathes of twentysomethings, like anyone with a college education or a Mac or a strummy guitar record: indie, apparently? Which is allegedly quite the thing these days.

from Nitsuh Abebe's "The Decade in Indie"

Did ya hear, bro' the Internet is TOTALLY INDIE! So's Zooey Deschanel who can be currently be seen shilling for the cotton industry in some horrible "song-emercial". Everytime I think the metal & punk scene(s) are overwrought with b.s., I can just go on Pitchfork and be realize that it's not so bad. Now where's that Embrace of Thorns CD?